Another month, another chance

This weekend was horrible. I spent sooo much money on things that I didn't need and felt like complete shit after.

I am hopeful since I am spending all of my check that on important things that I won't overspend. This should be an interesting month.

Check One/Feb.: $1078

Rent-$645-Already sent in

Groceries-$80

Phone-$16

Eye Doctor-$150

Dentist-$187

What is left-$0.00

I have both the Eye Doctor and Dentist tomorrow. These high cost appointments drained my budget for the next couple weeks. I am getting my federal taxes at some point in the very near future and that check is going directly into savings. I need to really do this-part of me would love to splurge and spend that check on shit I don't need. I am going to be strong. Last month was such a failure, this month has to be better.

mrrrrrrrr

I have the itch to go shopping.... and I can't seem to get it to go away!! All day today I have been looking at my usual sites craving for something more. I really should ban these sites. Already this month I have bought much more than I should have-fabric, fabric ruler, 2 groupons, flight cost, a box set of books (I am not sure even why I would buy books), and shoes. Yet, even these things don't seem like enough.... this makes me see how incredibly drawn to consumerism I am.

I am drawn to consumerism because of my insecurities. Take today for example I hate what I am wearing- its is frumpy and cheap looking. Plus, I noticed that there is a stain on my skirt!! My hair is a thick, disgusting mess and need of a cut (seriously getting a cut on Saturday). Plus, I feel worthless because I thought I'd have more to do today. I keep beating myself up and my cure for everything is shopping. This is the root of the problem. I don't feel very secure with myself all the time (who does?) and instead of working on fixing these insecurities I beat myself up. If I shop, it makes it better. Consumerism at its best!

I'm going to try my best to overcome these emotions-so far I still have a little bit of extra money from state tax refund and refund from dentist overcharge which I'd really like to put into savings instead of spending it on crap I don't need just because I feel bad for myself. At least I see the problem....... I should go through my closet and get rid of anything that makes me feel insecure and unsexy. Then sit down and really think about what would make me feel better-more clothing or more time dedicating to making myself feel better?

I will update you on the struggle, along with February budgeting next blog.

Splat!

Well I went out and spent most of the money that I got from my tax return over the weekend. We went out to dinner a few times and I bought some things to help with my etsy shop revamp (sewingonlyfortattoos.etsy.com) which I am hoping to get ready for a reopening on Feb. 1st.
I also received a partial refund for the crazy expensive dentist appointment that I had this month. I am going to save part of the refund to pay for our hotel costs.

I really think that next month will be smoother on the not spending part. I have been going over my budget 8 million times to make sure that I have everything planned that I need. No spending next month could save $800+ towards our vacation next month! It would be nice to have a little money to spend while we are there....

Sometimes a girl has to do what a girl has to do

I broke down and bought a pair of Converse today. I passed on the purple and got a pair of charcoal ones that are a little sparkly. I could not pass up a $25 pair of shoes which will last me forever.... I just couldn't do that. I almost bought a pair before the shopping fast for $36 so I feel like this was an 'okay buy'. I promise no more shoes for the rest of the year.................

 Unless of course they are necessary or too cheap to pass up......

Ehhh

Well, this weekend didn't go as well as planned. I bought 3 meals all varying in prices, all of which I feel bad about. Then I spent money for an activity for us to do while we are on vacation-which is definitely something I could have waited on. Then I bought plane tickets.

I blew through most of the money that I had for savings. I feel horrible since the only thing I really needed was the plane tickets and I still have to purchase us one additional day at the hotel. I realize how difficult it is for me to change my behavior. I keep thinking that I deserve to spend all of my money. I deserve this, I deserve that. I'm wondering where this attitude stems from. Maybe if I can figure that out I can make a change in the attitude which would help me change this behavior. Something to think about.....

I know I can do much better with the savings next month... I am going to force myself to be better.

Well, hello there Thursday.

After a pretty hopeless day, I had a fantastic night. I did not buy anything besides a 75 cent snack before class. L (boyfriend) picked me up after class and took me out to dinner. He surprised me with new headphones. I was really appreciative of this!! I've been using these cheap ear buds for the past couple weeks after my headphones quit working... the new headphones are a vast improvement. Our dinner was great and it was nice to talk to L about some of the struggles with the spending fast that I have been having. A big part of me feel awful about him paying for me and buying me stuff. So, I decided that with this next check I would put a little aside for a date night, just as a thank you to him for all that he does. 

Enough sappiness, here is the budget for tomorrow's check:

Start Amount: $1078

Groceries-$100- I gave myself a little extra just because I need to supply dessert this weekend for my dad's holiday celebrations and I do not bake.

Haircut-$40-This is needed. The weather has made my hair huge.

Phone-$16

Susan G. Komen- $64- I care about boobs....

U of M Application Fee-$55- I am trying to keep this a secret since I am a little paranoid that I won't in, cross your fingers for me.

Birth Control- $50- Babies are expensive.....

Green Peace-$20-I care about Earth, I guess...

Netflix- $22- I have to watch something!!!

Apartment Insurance-$14- This is just logical, I don't trust my luck.

Late fees at the Library-$10- I suck and seem to not know how to return anything on time...

Leaves me with $687-

Unknown costs:

Target-I just need a few things. I have a list and I'm sticking to it!

Date night- I'm sure we can find something cheap...

Vacation costs- L's sister bought us a hotel stay in March for Christmas. There are a few costs that we have to cover (flight and we want one more day there), so I will be getting those out of the way now.

Night out with boyfriend’s sister B- L's sister is coming next weekend from London. I feel like we owe her a night out, especially after she bought us a hotel stay and we haven't seen her in months.

I will update you on how the budget looks after these costs. This morning, I transferred the $40 I had left from the last check into my "Moving Fund Savings"! Although I really wanted the shoes, it felt nice to transfer a little into savings. I hope that after the additional costs for the next check that I will be able to transfer even more.

Patiently awaiting Friday

I've noticed that as the time comes closer to the next payday my whole body is getting excited. This is not a new feeling. My mind races thinking of all the things that I can spend my precious money on, even though I am fasting. Do you get this excited feeling as payday comes your way?

Here are some of my wants for the week:
This tie dye shirt

http://www.etsy.com/listing/88818547/adult-large-tie-dye-tee-shirt-with-black
I'm not sure where this obsession came from. It is not like I am really a big tie dye person- but it is only $21!! I really love how bright it is.... I feel like it would be a good after work shirt which kind of says 'I totally don't work in a corporate job.'

Shoes, shoes, and more shoes...

I have been obsessing over shoes, but it has been this pair that has stole my heart! I fricking love chucks to begin with but this purple color is soooo cute! I would totally wear these all the time!
 I almost bought a pair before the spending fast, but now they are down to $30 with shipping, which is so much cheaper!!! I feel like a deal that good has to be a sign that I should buy them.

Eating out

This has been the hardest thing for me to do. I have been trying not to crave eating out but it has been sooooo difficult. Although boyfriend took me out for two meals this weekend, a part of me still thinks that I deserve good (as in I didn't make it good) food. I work hard, damn it!!
In other news, I have yet to go to Target, so my account is still at $40... I hope that I can make it until Friday so I can at least put that into savings.

This is soooo hard.

Monday monday...

Hello there!

I wanted to update yesterday, but the rest of my weekend went much better. I used a lot of the time to really take in what happened of Friday and feel a little more positive. I canceled a prespending order and have $41, but I do have a small list of things that I have to grab this week from Target. I am going to stick the list and not get anything more than what I need.

I have a good feeling about this week. Part of me is a little nervous, but not too bad!

More confessions

Last night I bought my $60 worth of groceries and beer. I drank all of the beer and then I drank all of my boyfriend's. Then I smoked, a lot, which is just one more thing that I didn't want to do this year. I have been kicking myself for the amount of excess that occured yesterday. I know that this acting out was not right. I am down to $14. I hope that I can actually put something into savings with my next check. Hopefully the next week without any cash will be more successful-since the only way that I can spend is if I overdraft.

I know that my acting out last night was just fear. This fear of change is holding me back. I don't know why I am so terrified of. I realize now that the change I want is going to be hard work. I am not letting this set back ruin my plan for the new year. I am going to look at this set back as a learning experience and hope for the best.

Confession

I just bought a $5 album. What is wrong with me?! I honestly don't know what overcame me. It was almost like I was in a fog. Most of the day I have been pumped about grocery shopping, which I am doing tonight so I have food for next week. I had a little free time and bam- Amazon one click gets me again. I know better than to go on Amazon.... part of me wanted to look for free music, but then bam on the front page that $5 album that I've been wanting to hear. Part of me is thought at the time "so what it is just $5" another part of me is thinking now "yea $5 you weren't suppose to spend."

I feel bad about this purchase and realize that part of it was me just acting out. I've been wanting some sort of present for being so good, for working so hard.... In my head I've been trying to find all sorts of ways to sneak around this spending fast. I don't even know why... it is crazy to see what fear can do to you. My anxiety raises a lot of fear in me and my bandage for that is shopping.

Ehhhhhh screw today!

I feel like today is the hardest day of this week. I am feeling aggravated with everything. I feel like I deserve to buy something for myself. I'm mad, I'm bored, I have been working hard, I have been enjoying so little. A part of me feels insecure and questionable about myself and everything around me.....Just one shirt, just one lunch out, just one neon scarf...
it would make me feel so much better. I would have these new things. Whatever I decided on would make me only a little less mad, it wouldn't cure my boredom that long since shopping only takes so long, it would be something that I would enjoy until I realized how low my bank account is. It would only temporarily make me feel less insecure, but then it would make me even more questionable about myself because I couldn't last more than 5 days without caving.
This sucks.......
I am going to try my best to improve my mood from this point on.  I only have a couple hours left of work and then I am going running, which I've skipped out on the past couple days. That usually helps me feel better about myself. When I get home, I'm going to have a nice relaxing night that includes a bath and a chick flick. None of which I am going to feel bad about.... maybe I'll even up the girly and do my nails. I hope that tomorrow is a better day............................ For now, I will directly go look at some cute kitten pictures and hope that the rest of the work day goes a little quicker.

Trying to stay positive

Yesterday I ended up spending $206 at the dentist... which is just crazy in my book but, since I may need teeth in the future, I paid it. This was far more than I was hoping to be charged. I ended up switching my hair appointment to next paycheck, which left me with $40 in savings. Here is the new budget break down

 

$167-Prespent

$645-Rent

$60-Food

$74-Books

$16-Phone

$10-Gym

$206 Dentist

***** Savings of $40

Looking at the small amount of savings for this check makes me sad. A part of me wants to say fuck it, it is only $40- let's buy something pretty. Yet, another part of me realizes that I would have paid for the dentist appointment whether I was on this spending fast or not. Before I would have eventually over drafted my account since I have nothing left in savings. So in a way, I guess I am okay with the fact that what I wanted to save was spent instead of me overdrafing.

I am hopeful that I can budget my next check in a way that gives the old savings account the boost it needs.

Until then I am going to stay positive that I can make this work....

So far, so good

Two days down of 2012 and I am doing okay on the spending fast. I did spend a bit more than I thought I would in my prespending splurge, which I knew would happen. I am not kicking myself for it... I've been surviving off of the food that I stored before the fast. Boyfriend (L) made us a great 'poor' meal using just things that we each had in cupboards and in fridge last night, which made me soooooo glad that I have his amazing cooking skills to help me survive this task...

 I have noticed that anxiety has been getting the best of me. It's so hard for me to think of all the things that 2012 will bring and not get anxious. Yesterday, I got a case of the sads just thinking of all the things that I may miss out on by taking part in this spending fast. Winter already makes me a homebody, I started thinking about how sad life will be with me just laying on the couch all year watching movies.... so I made a deal that I can spend money on certain events because being social is important to my happiness. I realized that events may come up that I will be spending money on, in instances where it is necessary I will spend. Yet, as long as I keep normal everyday spending down and not make this idea that everything is a 'special social event', everything will be gravy and saving will be much easier. I think this will be much better.

I'll let you know how much the dentist bill is for today--crossing fingers that insurance covers most of it!!!